FAST MINYANIM

I am not condoning Davening fast. In fact, I think the concept of speed in Tefillah defeats the purpose of the conversation. That would be like telling a loved one “hey, lets shmuess… as fast as possible and in under 9 minutes”. So no, don't try this at home. But sometimes you’ll find yourself in a Minyan of people who are all on their way to saving lives starting in 18 minutes so that’s why this minyan will be a Matzah baking minyan. The guy who gets up to lead takes on different forms:

THE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE GUY

This fella has the full support of the Kehillah minus the grumpy old man who is a fixture in any one of these minyanim. He will groan and grunt as soon as the beginning of each paragraph and complain out loud as soon as Davening is over. He will invariably yell whatever paragraph is the one before the one that everyone else is up to in protest. But he’ll never leave. Never. Everyone knows that there are lives to be saved, and places to go, and coffees to drink, and conversations to be had, and, and… so you can’t possibly go fast enough. As soon as each person takes his three steps back, he immediately starts clearing his throat, followed by snapping. When that doesn’t kick start the chazzan there is banging on the table and then yelling no in various intonations. Now that’s communication. Every now and then you’ll hear a word or two just enough to let you know what he’s up to and a cue when so say Amen or something.

THE ILLUSIONIST

If you walk in at any given moment, you could think that you’re in a well-paced minyan. The Chazzan is taking his time and even adding a little singsong. So why isn’t he being stoned, you may ask? It’s because it’s an illusion. There are no citations between incantations. Look, his job is to give us cues and the bits in between become unnecessary. There’s a murmur akin to a passing tus-tus and then a melodic exposition for a time marker. Ohhh we're up to Shma- thanks man. I'll see you soon.

THE SILENT LEADER

There’s little to say about this fella since this fella doesn’t say much. The only way to find out what’s going on is when the guys around him start saying “yehei shmei” together. He’s doing his own thing and we’re just grateful because nobody else wanted to Daven up front, so thank you anonymous. Bemakom She’ein Ish…

THE IN THE WRONG MINYAN GUY

You have to respect this guy. This is kinda like when the old grumpy man who is used to the 3 hour Shacharis decides to share his Hashkafos with this Kehilla… by example. It’s not always on purpose but it’s a lot more fin when it is. So buckle up for 2 hours of “nu”ing followed by “shush”ing, lots of watch glancing, angry or guilty-looking people walking out, and responses that are way too loud and fast just trying to make their point. My friend, you are in the wrong Minyan.

So whether you are a regular, visiting, or protesting, take a moment to sit back and enjoy and experience unique to our holy people and a non-Jew will never never in a million years wrap his head around. I’m not sure if I have.

Boruch Hashem!

WEIRD WEATHER

It’s winter, winter is cold. Right? But not today! One random Tuesday sandwiched by blizzards is a 65-degree spring crank out the ice coffee day. You may suffer a cold from the abrupt change in climate but you’ll be in good company (everyone besides for that one guy who wears a sweater and scarf every day no matter what). Seasons make the year interesting but even each season is lengthy. So when you're just about getting used to it and dreaming of the next solstice it’s a beautiful treat when you get a get-out-of-winter free card to remind you that nobody can predict the weather.

Boruch Hashem!

INTELLECTUALS

Look. I'm no brainiac and I don’t want to be one, but intellectuals are cool! I still haven’t figured out how to spell intilectuals without spellcheck, and these guys can even tell you where the word comes from (Middle English, from Middle French or Latin; Middle French, from Latin intellectus, from intellegere to understand. First use: 14th century)!

I don’t blame them for being a little contentious, I would too if I felt I was surrounded by people who know nothing, but I wouldn’t want to deal with that. I feel like it would be hard to make friends… or conversation. Most of the things we enjoy doing don’t make any sense logically, and I don’t want some guy pointing that out to me.

Well, lucky me, I was blessed with a far lower IQ so I can enjoy the shallow things in life too! But every now and then it’s nice to bump into one of these guys and appreciate the genius of the mind’s potential. I mean, people are smart, quick, and know a tremendous amount of information! You can just sit and watch this representation of the unbridled abilities of our minds. It could make us feel dumb, but it's impressive. Besides the endless sea of Torah, math and science and philosophy are good things to know and if you’re like me and haven’t learned it all yet (yet), it’s good to know that this stuff is still being learned and contained in those around us who have taken the time and disciple to study and remember it all.

Boruch Hashem!

MASSAGES

This is one of those things you can go a lifetime without and not know you were missing it. Then there are those who refuse to have anyone touch them I can respect that as well. After Corona we kinda realized that even handshakes are gross if you think about it so…. yeah. The difference before and after a massage is the difference between drowning in cement shoes and sitting on a beach sipping lemonade at sunset. Basically. Kinda. Maybe a little exaggerated, a little. But you don’t know until you stand up and feel your brain and upper back for the first time in months! There are as far as I can tell 3 types of massages.

1. The profesh.

There is that guy who has a doctorate in squishing people and the odd art of procuring cracking noises from every imaginable joint in a human body. I wonder what that classroom looks like. Are their dissertations performed in audio? Anyway, he mows what he’s doing snd tells you about different Latin bones and muscles you never heard of and apparently are in terrible shape in your body. Little did you know, that your stressful schedule is directly affecting your tendons. So you close your eyes and say a little prayer and let him do your thing. It never hurts as much as you expect, and it’s just the strangest sensation. But it works! At whatever it’s supposed to be doing!

1. The chair.

This is basically the opposite of a professional, and it’s not designed to even try to fix any of your internal mechanisms. It’s just there to make you feel good and chill. It does a whole bunch of squishing and maybe even play music or chirping bird noises on a beach around the head area. You can enjoy this massage with a beer. A little less medically oriented. Doctorate free.

1. The friend

This guy doesn’t even know that he’s pushing and moving bones in your spine and joints. Not a clue what he’s doing, but you looked tired and he thought “let me jab my thumbs into his pressure points to cheer him up”. Even less professional than the chair. He means well so you sit through for a few minutes and if you aren’t in even more agonizing pain, you’ll complement his skills to encourage him to torture the next guy. It’s some demented form of a bonding experience, so go with it. If you happen to have a guy who kinda knows what he’s doing, whether he researched it for some reason or was born with buttery hands, you hand on to tat friend. You’ll never be tense a gain!

Boruch Hashem!

HISTORY

I'm not talking about the stuff they shove down your throat as a subject in school. I mean when you hear about something that happened a while ago, some more whiles ago than others, and it's actually fascinating! Compared to today, nobody starves anymore, barring political exploitations. Famine was a reality not too long ago! To know how poverty started vanishing in the late 1700s and even more so in the 21st century has to make you happy about when you were born! Today’s world is insanely incredible, and the past is a giant key to appreciating it. Compare the past and present and on a shallow level, it will make you grateful.

A bonus feature of history is that you get to look at events in the light in which you choose. You can revisit a shtettle and without noticing the poverty, you can appreciate the unity and Jewish pride of the village. Crazy things have happened! Yes! Last week something crazy happened to you and nobody will ever know about it. The stuff that people pick to talk about forever is the super beyond crazy unimaginable anecdotes which are hardly imaginable! These are the stories that fiction dreams of! Did you know that there were Jewish pirates in the Bahamas? Yuhhuh! They have graves in Hebrew with a skull and crossbones on them! What’s up with that!?!? The greatest events of all time are available for you to find out about so go check it out! It's awesome!

Boruch Hashem!

SHOEHORNS

Yes yes! The little things! There is nothing as little as a shoehorn. Yet, there is nothing more desperately needed than a shoehorn when you can’t squeeze your terminal part of the vertebrate leg upon which you stand into a snug coating of leather or whatever shoes are made of nowadays. You're wiggling your foot back and forth as the shoe starts taking on pancake attributes. The thing is, your shoes are the last thing you put on before running out the door and we run out the door because we now need to get somewhere. The last thing you want getting in your way is footwear. So as you spend the next 5 minutes wishing you bought a different pair of shoes and settle for flip-flops at this wedding, take a moment to that Hashem for giving us a shoehorn, shaped nothing like a horn mind you, and even though you never thought to buy one and probably won’t, it’s nice to know that they’re out there waiting to give you a hand. Or foot.

Boruch Hashem!

TUNA

I’ll be honest; tuna’s not my thing. If you open a can of that pulverized aqua matter within a 10-mile vicinity of me, I will have to leave the premises. That being said, it is a gift of unmeasurable proportions that a guy can go hike to a mountain top, miles from civilization, and cook up seafood at 3,000 feet above sea level! It’s much closer to an actual meal than peanut butter or granola bars, for sure. So while I won’t go near the thing, you most certainly may partake in this squished and demoralized tuna steak potential, and thank Hashem for the chance to eat someone thing that resembles real food on the go.

Boruch Hashem!

BACKSCRATCHER

It’s not the most innovative invention. It’s essentially a fork without boundaries. It’s was probably first created as a means to reach a doll wedged deep under the couch (not to say that it can’t be used for that). There are people who can fold themselves like a pretzel and fit in a 12-inch box. I’m not that guy. I'm kinda creeped out by that guy too. Where do his bones go!? I can’t lick my elbow or even touch my toes (without bending my knees, which is apparently cheating btw), but I can scratch my own back. I mean my whole back. I had some free time in high school where I developed most of my underwhelming superpowers, and I challenged myself to be able to reach any part of my back. So whoever came up with backscratchers was more human, less dedicated to flexibility, and had an itch. Let's be honest; there are not too many things as pleasurable in life then finally getting to scratch that itch, even if it only makes it worse. So as that gigantic wooden fork makes its way down past your collar headed for that dead zone calling for a scratch, thank Hashem that you don’t need to ask a stranger to use your back as a scratching post.

Boruch Hashem!

WHEN YOU CHAVRUSA IS LATER THAN YOU ARE

Your heart is pounding and your mind is racing as you try to think of any believable excuse for running late as you burst through the doors of the bustling Beis Medrash. You start slowly from the back row and peek through the steaming coffees and shaking heads to see if you can spot the silhouette of your Chavrusa’s head. Nothing but air. The coast is clear. Straighten up, prance on over to your seat proudly and make yourself comfortable. If you're gutsy, you can risk making a coffee (but make sure to leave your Gemara open). Now it’s just a waiting game to try to be nice to your beloved Chavrusa who is even later than you are. Have mercy. We’ve all been there.

Boruch Hashem!

WHEN IT STARTS RAINING THE SECOND YOU GET INDOORS

GO GO GO! The clock is ticking. We all saw it in the forecast but you never thought it would happen to you. Yet here we are. On the way back from a Seudah, Davening, a Shalom Zachor, or just an afternoon walk and kaboom! The skies crack open and turn dark grey, warning you of its malicious intent. Haha! Your suit is mine. Dry Clean only. You don’t have a chance. It’s entirely BiYad Hashem now. So you break out in the most heartfelt Tefillah since Rubashkin was imprisoned and race as fast as your new fancy leather shoes can carry you. They’ll be worthless if you don’t make it, anyway. And there it is, the first trickle, just as soon as you see the doorway. You could tuck in to the closest public building, but you know it could take a minute or two till it really kicks in. Is it worth it? Maybe? Last time it wasn’t… Well, as my good friend captain Nike says just do it™ and that’s convincing enough. Who can argue with that sound logic? The point is, the moment when you get to where you want to get and you close the door and listen. Listen close. Here it comes. The rain is now pounding on the windows and you laugh and say a very very grateful…

Boruch Hashem!

THE SMELL WHEN THE RAIN STOPS

Everything comes alive! The boring bare stones of the sidewalk are suddenly sparkling gems. The birds seem to be announcing the revisiting sun. You can almost feel the smell of the grass in your bones. The sense of smell is a spiritual one, and I am on a spiritual high!

Boruch Hashem!

THAT RELATIVE WHO OFFERS TO BABYSIT

Motzei Shabbos is a pretty valuable time slot, so you want to take advantage as much as the next guy. The problem is that there’s this little sleeping kid in the back room who can’t be left unattended. The world beckons from beyond the front door and an unconscious 12 pounder is the only reason you don’t answer the call. But the call comes. The phone rings and that brother, sister, or cousin says “well I have nothing planned tonight soooo... now I do! See you in 5!” You pull out some munchies and that Shabbos’s magazines. Bonus points, you know he/she already has your number. So with a swift over the shoulder heartfelt “thanks!” You run out to hit the town, baby free.

Boruch Hashem!

HOT DRINK ON A COLD DAY

Cold. Cold. Cold. That’s all there is. When Eskimos want a coffee, they get iced coffee and that’s it. That’s wonderful for the sunny summer mornings, but what good is a chill on top of a chill. But that caffeine kick is a morning must. What do we do?!?!?

Dum Dum DumDum! Enter hot water. We can have a piping hot coffee (or tea for those in her majesty’s realm) no matter what those evil meteorologists send our way. It’s hard to explain, but I once drank a cup of hot cocoa standing in the swirl of a winter’s first flurry and it literally tasted like chocolate ice cream. It was some sort of a twisted wiring in my brain with the cold on the outside taking over the steaming cocoa. The feeling of a warm drink flowing down to your belly is simply a G-d sent empathetic hug to let you know that this is but one of the 4 seasons. So the next time you wake up to a bone rattling chill of winter, kick off that kettle and splash in some milk and start a defiantly good day with a resounding…

Boruch Hashem!

WHEN YOU’RE ACTUALLY THE TENTH MAN

“Ah Tzente?? Ah Tzente???” Sure! The tenth man gets maaaaad Schar, so why not? But then you crawl into the back office minyan or a backstreet Shteeble to find that as soon as 8 more people come you will have been the tenth. Now they got you. Give up the Schar and stay on schedule or run out in a socially challenging lunge to the door with a mouthful of unnecessary excuses. After all, it would be only too rude to abandon your kidnappers without some polite exiting address.

So it’s always nice when you show up to a group of 9 men who are more than grateful to have you join them and you begin the Tefillah with your new smiling friends. United, we say,

Boruch Hashem!

THE SMELL OF SHABBOS

This is one of those things that a Goy will never be Zocheh to understand (Like the Simcha of skipping Tachanun on a Monday or Thursday. Right?). Those of us who invested in near-the-bakery real estate can catch a whiff of the Challos crisping on Thursday night. The rest of us know that there is nothing like Mameh’s Challos and, be still my soul, her Chicken soup. Ooooooah! Everyone has their own smells that kick up those Shabbos sensors. I heard a true story about a woman who became religious when she smelled Chulent so don’t take this too lightly. Here are my top Shabbos-is-coming smells:

1. Chulent in the crock pot

2. Chicken Soup bubbling on the stove

3. Roasting Garlic

4. Pastrami (Not sure when that started becoming a Chulent standard but wow! Good move society!)

5. And of course the Challah on the hot plate.

Man, what would we do without Shabbos? Boruch Hashem!

WATER

So let’s be real. We need to drink on average 8 cups of water a day or our mind and body start atrophying or so they say. In our wonderful world of indoor plumbing, we have water literally flowing out of everything! Seriously! When you design a house (which we all do because nobody rents or lives in an old people’s house anymore) a large part of the design is which faucets to use. On the kitchen sink: Milchig and Fleishig, and perhaps on the island sink: Parve. You need to pick out the bathroom sinks and the shower heads, some even have 2 heads, besides the bathtub gusher. Then, the plumber comes in and runs a 20 mile pipeline through every crevice hidden behind your beautiful walls (it’s crazy back there, btw).

So every now and then we are blessed with a moment of truth in this virtual water park (thank you, Romans). Somehow, either you came back from a hike or just a long day, or maybe you’re like me and procrastinate the bare necessities of life (like when you remind yourself that you announced 10 minutes ago that you really really need to use the bathroom) and managed not to drink a thing since the milk in your cereal this morning. That first sip of water takes your Shehakol to another level. I mean, Hashem made this deliciousness? It’s better than the 4th cup of wine at the Pesach Seder. I mean it. This is a drink to write home about. So feel as that hydrating cup of life takes over your dopamine sensors and enjoy a new lease on life.

Boruch Hashem!

TOO BISHVAT

Best Holiday Ever! I know, I know. You think I’m nuts (pun intended). It’s just the simplest Yom Tov we got. First of all: timing. We all know that Hashem gives us an extra day of Succos because it’s a long while until we get to hang again on the upcoming Pesach. Maybe that was before Chanuka. But even from Chanuka, which kinda breaks things up until Pesach, is a long stretch! What are we to do? We’re not a bunch of Goyim who methodically arranged all of our Holidays in a 2 week span and spend the rest of the year depressed. We spread em out! Pesach to Shabbos we literally have a countdown for. Shavuos to the Summer. Tisha B’av for the hardcore old-timer Litvaks. Then a month later we get the high high holidays. About thirty seconds from Yom Kippur to Succos to build a tiny house on your porch and find the perfect specimen of the four species. Succos to Chanuka is alright. We buckled up for that one. Now the real winters man begins. Purim is in forever!Enter fruit. I can’t say that I entirely understand it, but I know that it is necessary. We could celebrate porcupines for all I care, but those are not half as appetizing as that cornucopia of fruit. If you ha v ever been Zocheh to lay your eyes upon it, you know that these Rebbes have quiet the display. Some Israelis make a Shehechiyanu on an orange. That’s awesome. We let the children discover the world of Bukser (that’s the Yiddish word for dried and stuck in your throat). Yes children, this is time world of fruit we are celebrating. Its expiration date is… aaaa-never. I mean, these are from when the founding fathers of America and they still taste the same, so who’s t put a cap on them now? Th point is: good timing. We get a whirlwind of nuts, fruits, fresh and dried to spin us into the Purim era of the year. Secondly, it’s a Yom Tov that makes everyone happy. Nobody is grumpy that their kids are eating fresh ruin and nuts or that we skip Tachanun today (hardcore Litvaks aside).

So take a moment to hug a tree or the closest stranger at the Tisch and thank Hashem for the unimaginable array of fresh import d fruit that we’ve been privy to since we were born and that kings of a few years ago could not imagine. It’s really just one big thank you, isn’t it?

Boruch Hashem!

LONG NAMES

This one is kinda mean because usually the guy with the name is so over it. Just watch as you ask he’ll respond with a deep sigh and say as monotone as possible “Berel Tzvi Hirsch Menachem Aryeh”. Berel, huh? Ben? “Dov.” Ah, sweet revenge of the parent. I bet his mother has one syllabal too. And what do you go by? I mean, you can pretty much call yourself anything! “Nah. I got by them all.” I get it. They are special and are a sacred part of your Neshama and you’re named after someone epic, but come on! The Baal Shem Tov says we only get a certain amount of words to say in our lifetime. I pray that this guy gets a few bonus ones because there is just no time left for conversation, just introductions and a polite well it seems like we’re out of time. I guess it’s better than having an English name that has nothing to do with your Hebrew one. Seriously, I know a guy. Dunno how it happened but the guy’s name is Moishe and he’s called up to the Torah by the name Chaim (Ben shortsighted father I guess). So when you meet this poor individual, and we all have, smile and make some reassuring comment in the remaining time left to your conversation and try to think of an all-encompassing nickname for the next time you meet. Maybe an acronym. And just thank Hashem that you can say your name in one breath.

Boruch Hashem!

YOUR KID FALLS AND HE’S FINE

Thump. Or clank. Depending on your flooring. Either way, no one yells Mazel Tov. That’s just bad taste. You can already hear the sirens wailing and every judging eye shooting arrows of bad parenting guilt your way. Like your all perfect! I only have 2 eyes and they were both sleeping! What was I supposed to do! This kid sees a couch and sees a jungle gym. Mind you, he sees a refrigerator and sees a jungle gym too. He’ll jump off of anything that won’t throw him off first. So yeah, this time it wasn’t feet first per se. This was more or a cerebral durability test run and we all need those every now and again (especially those judging parents’ neighbors). And the results are in. He’s crying, so that’s a good sign, they say. But then he looks up at you with his baby eyes and just wants a lollipop. Well, you're in like my friend. You can have all the lollies we have as long as you don’t show any signs of concussion. Deal?

Boruch Hashem!

MORE COFFEE

Coffee is good. Benjamin Franklin said that beer is G-d’s way of showing man he loves him. Either he didn’t know about coffee yet or he didn’t know what a world flowing with coffee is. But that’s obvious. What I’m talking about is when your coffee is finished. You drank it all. Your meeting is going great and there’s smiles all around and as you sip subconsciously through breakfast, you sort of loose track of how much gas is left in that tank. But based on the accumulative time of drinking logic would present a solid verdict of empty. When it comes to liquid gold, however, it’s worth a look-see. I’m not proposing winking and peeking through that little sippy-cover to see if there is some liquid waving around down there. Just take a sip with confidence and maybe, just maybe, an angel refilled your morning booster with extra fuel. Worse case scenario: you put the cup back down, take a fake gulp, and if you’re seriously invested, you can even let out one of those “ahhhhhh”s that people do after sipping hot drinks for some reason. What do you have to lose? Here goes! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand

Boruch Hashem!

TRAIN RUNNING

Train running, you know. When you're jogging and a train, or bus for that matter, starts driving next to you and suddenly you feel like superman. I mean granted he’s stuck in traffic or waiting for a light, but check me out, I’m running faster than a locomotive (that’s old for train)! If you can catch the eye of one of their passengers and show him what it looks like exercising, that’s just a bonus thrill. But I digress. That’s not what train running is. Train running is when your loved one gets on the train to say goodbye and you’re just out of not wired ways to say goodby and then Hashem gifts you with one last good one. The trains are best for this feat because if its large windows but a bus will do. You get a regular speed wave as they board and look over their shoulder (because they're obviously expecting it). You can even silently lip sync “bye mom” because she can’t hear you anyway, so why waste the vocal chords. And then that fateful moment when the horn blows and the train dings or whatever sound it makes as it pulls out. Now I don’t know why trains can’t just go, but there is a special design here. A Divine design. Slowly, ever so slowly, it begins its journey waiting for your participation. It’s a basic human instinct to walk along. I gotta tell you, there is something special about saying goodbye out of breath. I mean it starts slow but very steadily it gains velocity until it’s just about at the next stop and you have to stop waving before it starts looking like you’re waving at the conductor. Don’t worry im sure he gets it all the time. It’s a beautiful way of saying I would walk you across the Atlantic on the wings for your airplane if I could.

Boruch Hashem!

THE SNEEZER

As far as I know there are 6 types of sneezers. The normals, the draw-you-in fakers, The Who-me?-ers, the unhygienic-s, the rapid fire-ers, and the elephant on a bullhorn-ers.

Allow me to elaborate.

1. The Normals are a group of men and women who were raised with manners and born with pristine nasal equipment. It is an absolute pleasure to spend time with them in an elevator to the empire Tate building observatory during flu season. Noooooo problem. You’ll even get in a few Brachos along the way.

“Choo.”

“Tzu Gezunt”

“Hatchoo”

“Labrioot”

“Cheee”

“Gezult Heit”

And so on and so forth. You may even get to exchange a polite smile. It’s nice to find an excuse to give a stranger a Bracha and nobody ever got offended by a genuine one. After all, we’re glad you're alive after hearing all the stories about how people would drop dead from a sneeze years ago. Yeeesh. Nightmares, huh?

1. The Draw-You-In fakers are a whole other story. Now we can’t blame any human for sneezing. It’s a base human reflex. A good one at that! It gets all your germs out and about and lets you know of the impending illness that lays ahead for you. Like a little Nevuah. But if you're going to sneeze, then just do it! There’s no need for a buildup. We’re not a rave waiting for a drop and yet after 90 seconds of silence all waiting as he “eh… ehh… ahhh… EEEEH… AH AH AHH AH ehhhhhh…. Do proceed with your proposal.” Sometimes I feel like they owe us a sneeze, you know? Throw some black pepper up that noggin and give us what we came for! No Bracha for you, dude.

2. And if that doesn’t get on your nerve, then the guy on the bus next to you who is clearly holding a tissue and seems to be ashamed of his diagnosis will. Oh, the pity. He’s been struck with the common cold. I hope mother hears not of my plight. It’s cool to sneeze my man. There’s no way that it’s good for you to hold a sneeze in. I’m pretty sure it all goes up into your brain and, ahhhhh explains it all. He’s a bit booger brained, that’s all. Well, bless you, my friend, whether you like it or not!

3. At the other polar end of the spectrum, we have a man who doesn’t seem to notice at all! He’s entirely oblivious to the runny nose and the entire population that surrounds him. It’s hard to explain but for those out there who have felt the warm, moist rush of a strangers sneeze drift down our collar you are more than entitled to therapy. Even if you don’t believe in germs, you‘al believe in this. Gross gross gross. No more ink need be spilled on this. Dude. Use. A. Sleeve.

4. Next. Ahhh. Rapid fire-er. I have a friend who did 16. Not joking. I know that because someone told me when I was 6 that if someone sneezes 8 times in a row that Moshiach will come. He lied. But it got me to start counting, so I do consider myself a leading role expert on sneezing counts. I mean 16? That’s a whole Seder! A main course and dessert!! He happens to be a very polite sneezer but lord imagine if he had no hygiene. I’m pretty sure he could clear grand central station. It was like a machine gun reenactment. Thratatatatatata…. Etcetera, etcetera. So please my friends keep count for it may not bring Mashiach but you are entitled to at least that many Brachos and if Klal Yisroel started giving each other Brachos like that, that could bring Moshiach.

5. Last but not least: the Elephant On A Bullhorn-ers. I suppose I can sub-categorize in here the actual “Hachoo" guys. I’m not kidding. I know a guy who literally says the word Hachoo when he sneezes. I mean its more of a soothing “YAAAAAACHOOO!” But you get the idea. It’s like he was an animation sneezing out of a cartoon. Only the most qualified and gifted of our species can attain this level of the sneeze. It requires the lungs of a walrus and the vocal cords of a tuba. We know and love’ em whether it’s an office work mate, a family member, or a friend. There is nothing that can bring a smile to the face of all who will hear, and trust me all will hear, better than an outrageously loud nasal explosion. Thank you brother and…

Boruch Hashem!

THE SNEEZE

It’s right there between your frontal cortex and nasal passageways, waiting his turn to enter this world. Everything, and I mean everything, has its time and place, and this little fella isn’t quite ready yet. He will be, but probably when you’re not (insert smug emoji). It’s a huge Bracha to be able to sneeze and release on those evil blood cells who have been recently captured by your overworked immune system. He lets you know if you have an oncoming illness or if you’re just hanging around too many dusty attics. So take it when he’s ready and smile as you sneeze because there are billions of tissues on this planet just waiting for you. Just smile, know that you have a tickle break until the next rush and make sure to enjoy it.

Boruch Hashem!

THE TISSUE

I’m picketing to enact a Bracha on tissues. Not the tissue you use when you run out of napkins and need to clean up your baby’s orange juice spill. I mean the tissue that shows up when you've been holding in your sneeze forever as you run into your 4th unlicensed bathroom. That tissue. Is there a greater pleasure than that? Granted, there are different levels of pleasure to be had. There's a minor tickle that may be a big one, ya never know, and must be prepared in case it is. That’s just awkward. We’ve all been there having a perfectly pleasant conversation when a gigantic invader yelps out of your friend’s nose. No? Just me then? Hmmm. The point is: be prepared.

On the other hand, we have the steady nasal drip and imminent pending danger. The hand is really really the last resort, so when that glowing tissue comes into sight and the angels start singing as you reach for the treasured gift handed to you on a Kleenex platter in the nick of time, the least we can do is say…

Boruch Hashem!

THE SKY

I know this one is obvious but how often do you look up.. I mean today. Did you notice the sky above you? And it’s never the same! You can have a story gray followed by a rushing cloud mass and then a lone bird gracing the crisp unending blue all in a 16 hour span. I mean, what a light show! I’m not even talking about the sun. The sky! The Chovos Halvovos says that Hashem didn’t make it white because that would damage our eyes. It is the perfect blue. If you look a little beyond, you can imagine the curve of the globe. You don’t need to wait for a star night to feel the magnitude of Hashem’s universe. It is absolutely awesome. (It’s also a Segula if you want to cry btw). So don’t forget about your father in Shamayim and before you go ahead and clap your Kapayim take a look up to heaven to our father we rely on (that rhymes if you. Pronounce it heaven or you can go with believe in//heaven… either way) give him a wave and a smile and enjoy the incredible experience taking place in the world right above our heads and give a shout out to the One and Only…

Boruch Hashem!

WHEN YOU’RE THE ONLY GUY WHO SHOWED UP TO A SHIUR

It could be Isru Chag, Shushan Purim, A Taanis, or just a snow day but sometimes attendance plummets. Who can blame them? But when you walk in and you know in the depths of your heart that you were Moser Nefesh to be here and now, That. Is. Awesome. You would give good money for a private meeting with this Rav and now he prepared an entire presentation just for you. Yes, you are special. Besides, between you and me, you have the reins to steer this Shiur question-and-answer in any direction you’d like. Looking for a question-and-answer session: you got it! How but some Chizuk because you feel dumb for Shlepping when no one else did. That’s a classic. Feel free to dive into anything that’s on your mind because you know well that today he is as grateful that you are here as you are that he is.

Boruch Hashem!

MAYIM ACHARONIM

I’m not here to Paskin or spread the word as to how vital this Halachah is or if it’s Pre elegant in today’s age. I am however, offering you the delightful insight into how much actual enjoyment this can bring into your after-meals. You can even do it during the week and not on Shabbos if you so please.

There’s the first thing that they feel like the Gadol Hadar because you washed your hands once extra (which is never a bad idea btw. Apparently it saved the Jews from the Black Plague, so yeah). Splash a little water on them hentees and wear that smug look all throughout your benching.

Second, there are moments when the perfect water just appears before you by the hand of God to help you fulfill your conquest to conquer the salt of Sedom. It may come in the form of intense perpetration from your icy drink, or perhaps that bottle of water that nobody squeezed to the last drop. That little rim of water on the bottom is calling out to be used for more than your Davar Shebikdusah! Heed that call and pour the itty-bitty bits of liquid upon your palms and thank the One and Only for dedicating these droplets for your act of holiness.

Boruch Hashem!

WHEN A PANDEMIC ENDS

You know… pandemic ending… That moment when. I know one day my kids are going to think I’m nuts, but they won’t get it from those pipsqueaks. I know I’ll sound like my grandparents when I tell them, but weeks and weeks of stuffy masks, empty spooky street, and random product shortages can take a toll on anyone. Of course there’s The paranoia of every cop you pass who may want to take your temperature or fine you whatever you happen to have on you because you broke some law they invented this morning about social distancing or some such nonsense which he may very well have made up as he dictates it. The joy of greeting another human, no matter a friend, neighbor, local market cashier, or defenseless stranger who has no idea who you are or why you're being so friendly, is absolutely indescribable. Chazal say it’s a taste of Oilam Habah! Shehecheyanu man! So to all those who kept the law as and kept us sane, and to all those who broke the law and kept things exciting, and you for a wonderful ride, may we never do it again, ever. The best part was definitely the end.

A GOOD HANDSHAKE

It’s rare to find the perfect handshake so in general we settle for one of those “eh” ones. Even that clammy I don’t want to be here handshake has some merit and does share something with you. There’s the dead fish I’ll be here until you’re done with my extremity. However it is rare to find someone with such a good handshake that you look for an excuse to wish him good greetings just to have a hand hug. Good mornings usually don’t call for a handshake but as long as he knows he’s good at it and is still proud he’ll be willing to extend a hand and wish you a great day. These are good people. People you want to have in your life. Some may prefer the arm numbing saw it off by who will stop if you make some excuse for a meeting or else you’re gonna spend your night with a shaking arm. To each their own but if you can even find that guy, the gentle and warm, firm and timely, caring and friendly shake, enjoy it while it’s perfectly timed glory lasts.

Boruch Hashem!

A NEW SLINKY

Okay. I know for most who are able to read this isn’t super recent in our memory bank but you never know and it’s never too late. Rummage around your piggy bank and maybe you made it to the full 50 cents to buy a slinky! There’s magic in that bouncy Chinese stairs master. The rainbow design shadowing that smiley face which gets creepy when it's stretched out will flood your mind with the greatest moment of childhood. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a fresh one which is all stuck together and you get to slowly peel the spaghetti ends of it off as you create your brand new entertainment device for at least the next 2 minutes and another 2 in a few years from now when you find it under the couch while Pesach cleaning.

Boruch Hashem!

SURPRISE LOLLIES

It took a while for the Dum Dum company to think of adding a surprise factor to their lollipop experience, but aren’t we grateful for it! Granted, in general you want to know what you're putting in your mouth. We all have that food which was snuck into our mouth as a kid and we’ve never gotten the chance to develop a taste for that broccoli by our objective selves. Yet, it’s a lolly! How bad can it be? Worse case scenario, you get that root beer/toothpaste one and now you’ve traded a treat for an overly heated conversation with whoever on the couch loves root beer the best! (Like the best best best! You know that guy…) Besides for that, you're in for a treat which is bound to be delightfully surprising! What more can you ask for?

Like I always say, everything is better with a lollipop in your mouth so

Boruch Hashem!

WHEN THE BABY PICKS YOU

Look. He’s tiny and totally oblivious to what you guys are talking about, but on the hand he isn’t confused by words and notions. He just likes you. More than other people, but that’s not the point. You’re the best candidate in this child’s eyes to hold him or hug him or maybe just a high five, and that’s a tiny little man's enormous compliment. Yeah, I’m your man. I gotcha:) And you don’t even have to go through the embarrassing get down to their level koocheekoo yablablaba-ing to capture his admiration. He just likes you, just cuz. Enjoy it while it lasts because you’ll probably get demoted to second favorite close to instantly. Unless he falls asleep. Enjoy!

Boruch Hashem!

GOOD AC

This is hard to find with central air since it’s so subtle. The whole house just seems comfortable. I’m talking about one of those old fashion blow free-on directly in your face until little icicles form on the tips of your eyelashes type. When you come in from a long walk in the summer sun and there’s sweat beads on your neck and that blast of Siberian air hits you with a wonderful Russian greeting, for a moment in the midst of the heat wave, it makes you sorta crave a hot tea or cocoa. For a moment, a beautiful cool moment, you can bask in the memory of the winter’s past and use it to thank Hashem for Summer.

Boruch Hashem!

THE QUICK EMAILER

It’s hard to explain, but if you’ve ever received an email response faster than you get your average text, then you know what I’m talking about. You push send and shut off your phone or walk away from your laptop and expect to wait a little while the little pony express people living in Wi-Fi land deliver your correspondence. But wait. What is that sound? As you put down your phone, it goes bloop bleeep blop bloop. The equivalent of AOL’s legendary “you’ve got mail”. Well, I guess he was expecting my letter. This definitely should have put the postal service out of business by now. No?

Boruch Hashem!

TASTE

Without getting all 8th grade biology on you, let’s just say that there are more than 4 taste sections of the tongue. There are actually millions of microscopic pockets along the length and width of it that contain a bunch of scepters which relay the different tastes to your brain. Of course this comes altogether in your mind with the smell receptors, which make quite a nice production for this cup of orange juice. Don’t you think? I happen to be writing this during corona where everything I taste sort of tastes like the dusty is this pizza or chili peppers vibe. It’s a whole other world minus 2 senses. So all I can say is thank you for granting me the realization that food is actually for surviving and keeping this awesome body running and all of that incredible flavor and zest is nothing but extras. Wow!

Boruch Hashem!

WHEN YOUR KID SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT

When he’s born everything is a tornado, so nobody is expecting any sleep. Then it just becomes normal. Sleep becomes a luxury. “I scored 4 hours last night. I mean divided into 22 little segments of dosing but I think it adds up.” It is what it is. All part of the blessing of parenthood. And then it happens. First thought is that we’re sick. Or deaf. Either way, not good. But then, as the sun rises above the horizon, you hear him start waking up. The world’s sweetest alarm clock. Now you just have to figure out what we did last night and do it again. That doesn’t work, but it’s a light in the sleepless darkness.

Boruch Hashem!

COOKIE DOUGH

Okay. Let’s start with cookies. They're undoubtedly yummy on all accounts. There are unlimited varieties for all different tastes, so there’s not really any room for contention. There’s even the prune and cocoa with walnut topping ones for those organic walking skeleton healthy people. But we all know that turkey clarity lies in the broader picture, so let’s take a step back. Don’t bake it. Was that such a Chiddush!? I’m sure that children who were “helping” their parents bake discovered this first and adults tagged along by mere error. Some guy under baked an anniversary batch for his unsuspecting Shana Rishonah Kala, or the timer broke, or maybe a Yeshiva guy in a dorm room didn’t have anywhere to bake it. History is tricky. Under baked cookies are good and I for one would like to vote that the less we bake them the better! Gooey and yummy and yes, you can eat it with a spoon! It doesn’t get better than that! So when you’re on a time crunch or willing to risk the dangers of raw eggs, grab the biggest spoon you have and thank Hashem for the time you do not have to wait for these babies to get crispy.

Boruch Hashem!

ON THE ROAD

Let’s be honest, vacations with a family is harder than vacating a bad tenant. Even if you’re incredibly organized and have it all planned, it’s just a matter of time until it all goes sideways. The luggage is packed, check. The nosh is bagged by the front door, check. The kids all went to the bathroom… twice, check! And less than two hours after schedule, the station wagon pulls up in the driveway and we’re ready to load up. Let’s go let’s go let’s go! One by the climb over each other and illegally onto each other’s lap. You’ll have the inevitably dispute as to who gets shotgun (the front middle seat where the armrest is supposed to go designed for a legless width-less man) and who gets those two backwards guaranteed nausea but yay everything is backwards seats but that’s ritual and soon the doors squeeze shut with a celebratory slam. Now is the breeze of paradise. The AC rushes through the bendy vents as the engine roars to life and we pull out. There is nothing quite as peaceful and the eye of the hurricane when you join in the speeding rush of the highway traffic.

Boruch Hashem!

TODDLER ENTERTAINMENT

I'm not saying that the way toddlers get entertained would be entertaining for an adult. What I am saying is there is hardly anything that does not qualify as mesmerizing. I mean, think about it from his perspective. Ten minutes ago he was an infant. His hands were just recently discovered and those just blew his mind! If we had the opportunity to look at our world, our day-to-day, through those eyes we would die of overwhelming excitement! I mean oh my gosh: fingernails! You try getting the plug out of the bathtub without them. Good luck! (plus, as a bonus, you get to make that awful scratchy noise on the blackboard and enjoy the power rush of making an entire classroom cringe). You can give a kid an empty bottle, fill it with an ounce of water for a real treat. It's like he's manually controlling his own waterfall. Almost anything non-personable in the garbage becomes a national treasure which he would never part with so be cautious with which "new toy" you introduce him to.

Here are some of my top toddler entertainment devices.

1. Containers - He may be dragging an empty coffee can around the house for the next month. Then you'll need to upgrade him to a mixing bowl.

2. Pots and pans are a personal favorite. Noisy, yes, but a classic. Just a heads up, once he knows about them he will want them again, and not necessary during times when people are not sleeping so maybe look into childproofing that cabinet.

3. Dolls. This has commercialized to insane extents. I ask you: do you really think your kid will be more attached to or develop better from a bear he built himself (with only some minor major help from an overseeing adult) or from a third-generation hand me down- grandpa found at a yard sale- was once owned by one of the Kennedys-been refurbished by Mommys for decades- hanging together by a thread- still has most of one of its eyes- faded from attic chilling- and yet he loves that darn thing more than his grandparents? I thought so.

So whatever your go-to is, and I'm sure it's brilliant, just be grateful that there are little people in our world who would love nothing more than little empty bottles to throw at the grass and a bowl of barley for entertainment.

Boruch Hashem!

WHEN SOMEONE LISTENS

Whether you are giving a lecture or just trying to share something in conversation, it is very rare to have a captivated audience. I mean, who can blame them? We’re used to speeding up every podcast we listen to, so who has the time to listen to someone talk about half the speed we are used to? Nuuuu? Get to the point!

But every now and then we come across a good friend, or a stranger who’s just a good person, or someone who hasn’t figured out how to use that speed up button, and they listen. Just listen. Maybe they throw in a nod or an uhu now and then. If you're lucky, they won’t even take a nap mid speech! Really lucky. And there you have it. A free therapy session, a moment to feel understood, to share your thoughts with someone else. Absolute gold. So to all of you fellas out The Who are still listening, if you’re still reading, we thank you. Thank you for taking the time to listen, the patience to focus through the tedious or boring segments, and be here for us. You rock.

Boruch Hashem!

EXPLORING

Okay. To clarify, I’m not talking about one of those nerdy guys who knows where the amazon is or wears one of those green pot hats on their head. I don’t even know what they’re supposed to accomplish! It’s about as useful as a hard hat in a hard hat zone. Yaaaay their yellow! What I am talking about is when you am me, the not necessarily nerdy amongst us, get lost even intentionally. I remember the first time I wandered through the old city in Yerushalayim. There was no wrong street to turn down (in the Jewish quarter, you understand). Every nook and cranny promised a new flower bed, a pillar from the roman era, or just a wonderful Jew learning on his porch with the most delightful tune. If that’s not an adventure, I don’t know what is.

There may be a new neighborhood that you’re invited to for some Simcha or a Shabbos meal, and you get to walk around an unfamiliar village that someone calls home.

So take it in, remember every oddity and splendor of your walk, and when they ask you what took you so long just say

Boruch Hashem!

CLOUDS

Clouds rule. Period. I mean, besides for the whole bringing us rain and keeping life going, that stuff, it’s lovely to not have everywhere being a dessert, no doubt, but there are little things that come with clouds too. For example, I was reading a book outside in the park, enjoying my time with nature very much and then the sun which was warming me slowly faded. The pages dimmed, and I knew what I had to do. I started walking back indoors and as I reached the doorstep; the rain began pouring. So forever more I am grateful for those cumulonimbus clouds for cueing me in about the oncoming weathers. Granted, it doesn’t roll in three days before, but it’s definitely more accurate than our local meteorologists, no? I mean, imagine if it went from a gorgeous day, perfect for a bike ride, and sporadically combusting into a hurricane. No fun!

Second, clouds = shade. Yes. Even if you're out in the sun specifically to get that tan or just bask in the warmth of loveliness, when that cloud rolls in to give you a 2 minute break, it is absolutely wonderful. You can finally open your eyes and see where you are and assess the level of sunburn damage. I haven’t made it past a level 2 burn yet, so the steaks are high.

So the next time it’s a cloudy day don’t go along with the cliché (that rhymes) and know that clouds are yet another glorious gift from above and shout with me

Boruch Hashem!

WHEN A NERD KNOWS HE’S A NERD

No one can deny that nerds, however defined, have been the brunt of insults for time and memorial. They usually live the stereotypes unknowingly and don’t feel the need to adjust to social norms.

However, every now and then a nerd will walk into your life and acknowledge entirely his nerdability and present pride and grandeur for his unique personality. It turns out they’re just smarter than us and we’re jealous. Just pray you don’t work for the guy you picked on, right?

If you haven’t seen Stephen Hawking, call someone a nerd, you won’t fully grasp what I mean. I’m smart, I’m different, I love it, and you’ll never be me. So I say cheers to the nerds who have found their calling and thanks for taking me in as your incompetent still trying to catch up friend.

Boruch Hashem!

THE LAST SCREW

You know when you open up that IKEA box and 30 planks of wood slither out with little baggies of screws, pads, little metal shmitchiks, some fuses, a few L-shaped brackets, and a 475 page manual in 22 languages. So you sit down studiously and start flipping through this novel for about an hour until you get to the part in English. Aha! To the pictures! Okay…. So I see number 1,4,6, and 22, but where are the little wheels number d 16? I’m sure they’ll show up. And now, with my sleeves rolled up, we begin construction. After a banging, twisting and sweating, and overall making a very prominent racket, realizing the 2nd step you did was backwards, take it apart and do it again we are up to the last screw. Yes, the very last screw. The truth is, there is no way to know if you assembled this piece of furniture correctly, whatever it’s supposed to be but is one tipoff that you did this right, when all the little baggies are empty and there is one socket waiting for one last screw and that’s all that’s left. One screw winking at you and saying good job! Assuming they didn’t stick an extra bolt in there to mess with you, every piece has its place and you got them there like a pro! So pick up that screw and give it a kiss because nothing says you nailed it than the last screw.

Boruch Hashem!

WHEN HE GOES BACK TO SLEEP

No parent of a baby expects much sleep at night; it’s not in the job description. Don’t worry, there are big stakes benefits. Therefore, when the kid wakes up crying because he doesn’t yet know that there is anything in existence other than himself (so who could blame him), we take a deep breath full of love and exhaustion and march down the hall to rescue the child in need. Now if you're really tired, the part of getting out of bed could take a moment or two… or you may fall back asleep entirely. And then on that glorious night when the grace of God shines into the darkness of the night, the crying stops. First you think you just went deaf. Makes sense: he’s been yelling in your ear constantly for….. Ever! Second, you think that you're dreaming of silence. Well, that can’t be because that cry would infiltrate your dream and then you would see a unicorn crying just like your kid! Weiiiiiiird but it usually feels normal in the dream. But then what could it be? Why is there no screaming!? WHY?!?!?!?! At this point, stop thinking about it and don’t let the angst keep you up. That’s just counterproductive. Just take this loving gift and enjoy these few extra moments of snooze fest. So take a deep breath, close your eyes and say…

Boruch Hashem!

FUNNY MUGS

☕️If you're sitting down for a cup of coffee you need a pick me up. Speed is a little much and warm water just doesn't do. The trick to coffee is the magic median. I don’t know which genius thought of this and I don’t care if he was just looking to charge double for an earthenware cup, but kudos man, kudos! Ideally, I would like to have a calm and funny person in good spirits sit across from me and my coffee and make comments that make me smile my way into my day. But alas, he may not always be there and when one is he’s probably on his phone.so who’s gonna make the crack about coffee being my crack? WHO?!?!?!?! Well, look no further than the side of your warming mug.

There are different categories of funny mugs

1. There’s the funny mug with lines like “why did the cross the road? To get a cup of coffee.” Okay, maybe not too funny. How about “coffee: a liquid hug for your brain”.

2. There are the straight up compliments and over-glorifying accolades: “My Superpower: mom”, or “God's gift to humanity-I deserve coffee”.

3. And then there are my favorite, grumpy morning sarcastic barely surviving ones. Truth is most folks drinking an early morning coffee lie in this category and probably relate to it best but who doesn’t want to be called a gorgeous unicorn princess boss. “Why did the chicken cross the road? He had no coffee- To get hit by a truck “, “want some coffee? Maybe I’ll feel like sharing when I’m finished with mine”, or maybe “ me without coffee = depresso”.

So next time you sit down for a cup o’ joe (whoever that was), java, or black magic, take a peak at that free spirited message written there for you, write one there if there is none yet, and enjoy your drink through a smile.

Boruch Hashem!

THE DAY BEFORE PURIM

This is not to undermine Purim in the slightest, but you expect costumes on the hay compared to Yom Kippur (although I’ve never heard a Rav bring up the comparison before Neilah…). However, the Lord blessed us with a day of spontaneous dress up, the day when every Morah and Ganenet joined as one to ask the beautiful children of Klal Yisroel to come to school in something that will make you Kvel. Giraffes, Kallas, and bumblebees rush past the firemen, army guy, and kid who keeps throwing off his policeman hat. Some parents fight to keep it in all the way to school and the lucky kids get to be comfortable the whole way. But for the passersby we get a sprinkle of pre-holiday joy for the purest amongst us, children who are beyond pumped to be some creature they learned about as soon as mommy spots it in the costume Gemach. There’s something extra special about the day before Purim.

Boruch Hashem!

POST PURIM CANDY-FEST

Underrated Jewish holiday: the day after Mishloach Manos… unless you’re on a diet. Then you’ll dread it all year. There’s more nosh stacked up on your counters than ever before and yes, Pesach is right around the corner so get to work! There’s a mountain of jelly beans, jelly, worms, gummy bears, chocolate-covered gummy fruit, mini chocolate covered dinosaurs from that family with a theme, 12 types of popcorn going stale (maybe take care of those first), super snacks, off brand not as super snacks, sodas juices, exotic seltzers and indistinguishable energy drinks besides for the potential heart attack warning written in the fine print, candies that don’t look edible at all but it turns out that just cause something’s gold doesn’t mean you shouldn’t put it in your mouth, a can of tuna, candy which are more toys than food but leave it up to your kids to figure that out, a leftover wine which may make it to your Seder table. Where to begin?

With the diet vegan corn/peas/beans/Quinoa chips. That tactic will definitely fool your fleeting health refinement. Yup. And a Diet Coke.

Boruch Hashem!!!!!!

BED HEAD

Ah, bed head, glory of all glory’s. Isn’t it wonderful how those four angels watch over you as you sleep under moonlight as amateur hair designers while you frolic in dreamland. I’m very rare occasions he who is notably blessed may wake up with an improvement to his follicle situation. But this is very rare. I mean, who can blame them. You’re sleeping. I know I wouldn’t be able to contain myself from getting creative with some dreadlocks or the Mohawk. So if one glorious morning you wake up looking like you slept well doing a headstand, I feel your pain. Yarmulke keeps slipping off your hat doesn’t fit right, little bits of hair are getting out in all directions like a drunk compass. But nothing that a shower can’t fix. If you’re in a rush, you can always try the half-baked head shower in the sink and then push on those tufts as hard as you can before scolding your scalp in a hand dryer.

That’s when the angelic hair stylists went to work on you. But when the guy sitting next to you in Shul, on the bus, or waiting for the light across the street got a working over, it’s just a wonderful morning comic relief. There are a few varieties of the bed-headed.

1. The guy who doesn’t know that he looks like a. Ragged scarecrow. Maybe a good friend will point it out before his boss does, but until then every stranger will get a bonus smile in their commute.

2. The guy who doesn’t care and probably would’’t have done a better job if he had done it intentionally. These are your common Afro/ Breslov pesos style individuals. Life is good in all directions and nothing says that better than hair going in ALL directions.

3. The guy who’s bugging out and is clearly on his way to fixing it. Maybe he’s rushing to the washroom with his hat dug down till his ears or trying his best to contain the curls and frills from peeking out of his hoody… not entirely successfully.

Whoever you got, just wish him a good morning and thank Hashem for a little extra frizzle and excitement in life.

Boruch Hashem!